The Hangup of Asking for Help
Countless times a day I'm instilling in my children that they can lean on me for support. "If you need help, just ask," has practically become a catch phrase in our home. So why do I have my own hangups when it comes to asking for help?
This is a tough one to write. Maybe it's because I've been raised to be a strong independent woman. Sure, I always knew I could lean on my parents if push came to shove, but from a young age I carried multiple jobs, paid for the majority of my post-secondary schooling and picked up the tab on most of my essentials - like really Dad, I'm 13, do I have to buy my own deodorant? But even as I sit here staring at the keyboard it's still difficult for me to type the words, let alone admit them out loud. So here I go: I need help.
When you become a parent your life completely changes; you discover such a profound, unwavering, and sacrificial love where the needs of your child supersedes all else. And because every mother loves their child(ren) so deeply, they simultaneously become sensitive about how they're doing. We all want to be reassured that we're doing a good job. (Hint: if you care enough to wonder if you're doing well, you are.) But raising kids is tough, grueling, relentless, and sleep-depriving. It's a long distance marathon where at moments you feel like you're full out sprinting the entire time. Even with a supportive and involved husband (shoutout to the evolved gender roles of husbands/daddies of 2018, like mine!) there are very few instances where you can stop and catch your breath. And more often than not, rather than ask for help we try to do everything ourselves. What a recipe for disaster! No wonder we feel deflated, burnt out, and broken down.
Since the arrival of our second child I've been leaning on family and friends a lot more this time around. It's something I feel guilty about. I feel shame. I concern myself with what other people think. Maybe it's just my own insecurities and self-criticism popping up here, but I feel like it's been instilled in each of us that seeking support equates to broadcasting to everyone that you're an incompetent mother. Comparison to others prevents us from asking for assistance. While we can all acknowledge the hard work that goes into raising kids - we don't want to come across like we can't handle it.
Why does asking for help feel like an admission of weakness?
It really boils down to the narrative of the martyr mom, built on the pretense that a good mom is benevolent, saintly and self-sacrificing which in turn means that anything less must be a substandard version. This narrative essentially makes asking for help feel like a selfish act - I should want to do everything for my children and be there for them in every aspect. This is probably why somewhere along the way the idea of asking for help with child-rearing - in any capacity - is the equivalent of waving the white flag. In a weird way it's almost as if asking for help degrades our dedication to our children. Or in other words: if i was a better mom, I wouldn't need the help. Well damn, of course I feel defeated.
A mother's love and devotion to her children and shear determination does not outweigh the simple math that there are only 24 hours in the day. The checklist of things to do is like a cruel game of mission impossible - the odds are stacked against us. I know I do my best and give my all, yet somehow a lot of the time I still feel like I'm coming up short. Holding ourselves to an unachievable standard - the myth of the perfection - wreaks havoc on our mental health. The laundry list of expectations (which does in fact include copious amounts of laundry) is piled up a mile high: being put together, perfectly pressed, chef extraordinaire, domestic goddess, all while providing pinterest-worthy activities for the kids. What a farce, ain't nobody got time for that! There is no possible way that one can be firing on all cylinders at all times; succeeding in all categories without being spread seriously thin. And if you keep giving and giving of your time and energy until you can't keep going anymore what good are you going to be if you push yourself to that point?
We pour so much of ourselves into mothering our kids, but who mother's the mother? We often end up last on our lengthy list and our well-being takes a toll. But asking for help, and sharing the enormous weight of the responsibilities of tending to children will result in saving your sanity and may end up giving you the strength to be a better mom. Moms need to unload the “burden” more often or we risk being carted off to the crazy house.
Help comes in many forms. Sure there's the obvious, babysitting. Moms can always use the break for some time alone, a date night or even a chance to catch up on some household to-dos without the tornado of messy toddlers. But emotional and mental support are equally valuable. It could be through online message boards. A fellow mommy friend you can text-vent at all hours. A family member who drops off a casserole. Or your own mother watching your kids for a few minutes so you can take a much needed shower (guilty!).
But the trick is you have to ask to receive.
You can't go it alone. And we're not meant to. Remember, there's no trophy for playing the martyr.
As moms we give our time and energy so willingly to help our children and don't think twice about it. Maybe it's time we stop thinking twice about asking for help ourselves.
