Remember that time I started a blog?

Hi. Remember me? I kicked off the Little Loves & Big Lattes blog nearly a year ago with gusto, ambition, drive, enthusiasm, and passion. I had so much to say, so many relatable stories to share, cleverly crafted motherhood anecdotes I thought might help others feel a little less lonely, isolated, and perhaps even allow us all to collectively laugh at the oftentimes maddening moments of parenting.

Somewhere in the last 6, ok let’s call it more like 8 months, all that creativity and determination was squashed by one overriding factor: lack of sleep.

I’ve written about my ridiculously self-sabatoging habit of staying up late only to later regret it each morning. But now I have to layer in nearly 18 months on #teamnosleep with a baby turned toddler who refuses more nights than not to sleep through until morning. The night-wakings are exhausting, grating on my nerves, and generally make me feel unhinged. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture! I’ve been walking around like a zombie where every day feels like groundhog day and I’m just going through the motions. My patience with my children, husband, family, and friends has run thin as a result. Somehow every night I still have hope that sleep will magically fall in to place, but with every progressive step forward it seems those two steps back are imminent. Needless to say having energy and desire to do anything (like wash my hair) much less write, is a bit of a stretch.

But I digress, even if you have perfect little cherub children who sleep 12 hours straight, the daily grind still leaves any parent exhausted. Right? Coffee to the rescue.

At the same time, my mat leave ended at the start of the summer and I decided to leave my full-time career post as a Communications Director. While a number of factors played into this decision, I will say, I never thought I’d be the type of person who would actually want to stay home with the kids; having a career and a life outside of the home is something I always prided myself on as a strong independent woman. Oh how attitudes change and priorities shift. Or at least mine did. It became painfully obvious that now with two little boys in tow and my husband opening his own insurance business, a lengthy commute to work plus drop offs and pick ups would result in very little time with my family.

Work/life balance is something I think we all strive for and when I had to face the reality of what our day to day would look like, it felt like during the week my kids may as well be at a boarding school. I would have just enough time to come pick them up post-dinner and put them straight to bed. I just couldn’t do it. So, I resigned. I realize not everyone is fortunate enough to have this opportunity available to them, but luckily my incredibly supportive husband offered me a job in his office. He has tried to sell me on the merits of us working together for over a decade. This was not something I took into consideration lightly, in fact it was a last resort, avoid-it-like-the-plague decision. But, while I’ll admit we are still in the honeymoon stages of this arrangement, working part-time has been the best case scenario for our family. I have more time with the kids, I can manage all the Doctors appointments, sick days, drop offs and pick ups, etc., and my husband and I can even sneak away for lunch dates from time to time on the days I’m in the office.

One other thing that’s cropped up. Something I feel compelled to share. On my first day back to work I noticed my breathing felt taxed. You know that feeling when you use hairspray in a small unventilated area? You feel like you’re choking on chemicals and unable to take a deep breath. I thought maybe some unidentified gas somewhere was leaking, or maybe it was because I had in fact used hair products for the first time in ages. Then again, it was a very hot and humid summer, perhaps the air quality was less than ideal? But then it happened again the next time I was at work. And then again when I was planning the logistics of an upcoming vacation. And again when I was running late to meet a friend.

Of course, naturally, I googled, as one does. Nothing really came up. But as time went on I began to keep track of these breathing episodes. They all seemed to trigger during stressful and anxiety-inducing moments. Now, I’m self-diagnosing here but given the history of when these ‘breathing episodes’ happened, it added up. As someone who has always believed themselves to be a logical thinker and a self-aware person, I have a hard time reconciling with the fact that my so called ‘stress’ (even now I feel the need to downplay it) was physically manifesting itself. I mean overall I feel pretty #blessed. But this seems to be the case.

I can see now that anxious thoughts I have about my kids’ developmental milestones, socialization abilities, their sleep quality, eating habits, and fear of them getting injured - just to name a few - play over and over in my head whether it’s warranted or even consciously acknowledged.

As a side note, coincidental or not, when I stopped blogging and releasing my thoughts, these issues of anxiety and overwhelm showed up. Although I’ve gotten better at vocalizing my concerns and subsequently my breathing has improved, I still do experience these anxiety-fueled breathing episodes. 

Anxiety is something I would like to explore more in future blog posts and certainly a topic I believe most moms struggle with to some degree.

Back to the blog, this blog. All these things happening in the last few months meant little time to write. I also didn’t want to put out content that wasn’t perfectly polished and print-worthy. I mean, I can’t be the only one who browses through the entire catalogue of Instagram filters taking painstaking efforts to crop, edit and improve an image before posting. That standard of perfection (more like myth) more than anything is what I would say has held me back from publishing more.

So it’s time to get back to the fundamentals of why I started writing in the first place. For catharsis. For me. So that the way I feel and the experiences I encounter can be scribbled down and let out. The good, the bad, the ugly and the hopefully comically entertaining. I started this blog knowing that as much as I focus on family, I would still have something on the side that kept my (debatable) talents sharp. After all, I’ve always been the type of person who would rather be complimented as witty than beautiful - though both are nice to hear from time to time. 

So here’s to 2019, one with more writing and less filter.