Tonight I Will Go to Bed Early

Oh the little lies we tell ourselves.  Every morning when my alarm goes off (read: one of my kids wake up) I lay there for just a moment, take a deep breath as the exhaustion hangs over me like a heavy cloak, and say those seven little words out loud: tonight I will go to bed early.

But of course, you never do. Things need to get done, and perhaps you want to have a little downtime to yourself before "groundhog day" starts over again.

For me, by the time I get both kids to bed and the kitchen tidied up, it's nearly 9pm. Sure, the tiredness sets in, but after a few moments that infamous 'second wind' rears its head. There are Real Housewives shows to binge on, laundry to fold, or an important conversation with my husband to have (listed in order of importance). Next thing you know it’s nearing midnight and then it’s the age-old game of do I wait for the baby to wake for an inevitable night feed or try to get a quick 30 minute power nap in before that happens.

The mommy conundrum. No matter which option I choose, I’m screwed. As a breastfeeding mother, I nurse often throughout the night - mostly because it’s simply the fastest way to get everyone, myself included, back to sleep.

And while most nights it looks like this:

It can also look like a severely sleep-deprived mommy slumped over her baby falling asleep in an upright position. True story: I time my feeding sessions with a phone app, the other night I fell asleep for 25 MINUTES sitting completely upright in the middle of my bed!

In any case those ever-fluctuating sleep interruptions in conjunction with late nights keep me feeling fatigued each morning and drowsy throughout the day. Hence the love for lattes. (For the record, I think every mom feels the aches of sleep deprivation regardless of whether or not your kids sleep through the night.)

Is that idyllic 8 hour rest a far away fantasy? Will the bags under my eyes take up permanent residency? Will that precious beauty sleep remain elusive? Because my math on it is that you age three years for every one mommy year and the aging affects worsen exponentially the more children you have.  Surely, I'm the one (at least in part) responsible for self-inflicting this slow form of torture.

Maybe it's because I'm a nighthawk by nature. My random theory is that I was born just after midnight so my circadian rhythm has been a little bit off ever since. Another part of the problem is that as a mom I'm "on duty" 24/7/365. The evenings are my only real "downtime." And while it's depleting to be on all the time, it's also just as difficult to magically decompress in an instant.

If I really think about it though, I think some of the reason I've always stayed up so late is because nighttime is when my mind wanders. My brain is like a computer, except when I flick the switch to power down, it tells me I need to install a few updates first before turning off. In university, this helped me excel at writing killer creative papers; in motherhood, it translates to rattling off to-do lists while simultaneously reflecting on how unproductive my day has been and let's not forget worrying about my children meeting developmental milestones and contemplating catastrophic scenarios involving my kids.

So why on earth don’t I go to bed earlier? And why do I continue to lie to myself each morning with sleepless-remorse? I guess it boils down to the fact that I spend so much of the day giving away parts of the pie, I want a slice for me - even if that means sacrificing tomorrow's sanity in the process.

Will I learn my lesson and start making early bedtime a priority? Maybe I’ll have a better answer after I sleep on it.